To Receive Love…

When we were in Reno, we were blessed to visit the Senior High ministry at GCR. Todd was teaching, so I was definitely looking forward to the morning. Since Roger and I love teens, it was easy to be there.

After we sang a few songs, we broke into small groups. Roger and I were with a group of girls and one of the GCR coaches. (Jen got whisked away to another group…*sigh*).  The questions were thought provoking, and I loved listening to the sweet girls answer them and contributing when it was my turn.

One question in particular stands out still.

Do you find it easier to love others or receive love?

With only one exception, every single person said “it’s harder to receive love”  I heard so many different answers to why it’s hard to receive love. I heard them talk about a culture that tells them they aren’t worth it because they aren’t on TV or thin or as beautiful as a movie star (although they are…maybe more so).  I heard them talk about how they love and care for their friends, but don’t know how to be the one who needs help.  There were so many answers.

Todd tied up the morning with some heartfelt words about love and God’s love for us.  And on we went, to meet people and attend service with Jen. It really was a lovely morning.

 

Last night, talking to my sweet Rog, I realized I don’t really believe people love me.  Epiphany!  oh wow!  My poor husband says such kind things to me; he tells me he likes me or that he loves me. And because of my own brokenness and my own past hurts, I have a hard time really believing that.  It’s not just him, either. 

I have a hard time believing that when I’m out of sight that I’m not also out of mind. I have a hard time believing that when I haven’t heard from someone…when they haven’t initiated contact in a while…that they aren’t just annoyed with me or ignoring me. I know where some of these thoughts come from, and I realize so many times it’s all in my head.

I’m still exploring this brokenness, but what I do know is that I am loved—even when I don’t feel it.  And you are too…

Keep Looking Out

I was sitting in my chair, looking out the window, like I do most mornings. The light was bright, and it made everything look cheerful.  As I sat, though, the clouds would mute the sunlight some, and that’s when I noticed all the smudges on the window. I don’t know if I’ve ever washed these windows, so there is significant grime on them.  I knew that there was a message here for me. More than just, learn to clean. I sat for a while, but it didn’t clear up (or clean itself—how rude).

This morning I sat again, a little earlier and with a little more cloud cover. (I did see a little blue sky). The smudges and dirt were more obvious and what’s more, it distracted me from looking outside. I was missing the leaves and the sky because all I could see was my own incompetence.

Lord, what are you saying here?

Don’t get so distracted by your own failures, your own sin, and the dirt in your life that you can’t see what’s beyond. We can clean together, and that will be good, but don’t miss what’s going on outside yourself. Your focus can’t stay on these failures or you’ll miss what I’m doing.