Monday, November 23, 2009

I'm not 18

I feel younger than I did 10 years ago. I feel more free to be myself and not to try to be perfect. I feel like I connect better with teens than I did when I was in my mid-twenties. I feel excited about who God made me to be even in the middle of being really broken and lost most times. So, this should be exciting.

But I'm not 18. I'm not 22. And somehow I need to convince myself of this. Because to joke about flirting with an 18 year old on facebook...completely in creepy to people. Yes, it's creepy. On my next birthday I'll be twice 18. And as much as my mind tells me I'm younger than I have been in years...I'm really 35. Is this a mid-life crisis? You realize you are older than you feel. And you are the only one who seems to see that your insides are much younger than your still not old, but not as young 35 year old outsides are?

I'm so glad I have a loving husband and a happy marriage or I can see this leading to all kinds of other creepy places. I'm thankful to feel young...and not be restrained by the uptight years I had in my mid-20s. I'm thankful that I am still excited to work with teens and that they even like hanging out with me. I'm thankful to not be a curmudgeon...and that God is scraping off the dross in my life. So, I'm 35...not 18...but don't tell my heart.

Friday, November 06, 2009


With the help of some good friends who have listened to me and helped me process, I have let God scrape me off that brick wall and cradle me in His arms. Thanks to you friends for helping me see how much hope I have. And thanks God for helping me connect my feelings of failure from last year and this year. It makes sense I've been feeling.

So right now, I'll try to relax. I don't have to decide what I want to be when I grow up...right now. I don't even have to decide how God is going to use me best. He will do that. I just need to be open and rescind my control over it all. (which is all in my own head anyway) Stop trying to plan everything and do what Jesus said...

Matthew 6:34 Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.