Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Under Construction

How do you find rest

when the construction vehicles just keep

beeping, moving, purring, groaning, clunking?


But progress must be made in our lives.

Stagnation is worse than death.


As You carry away the old walls I built,

carry them away as rubble,

I know there is rest.


What you are doing is good

even in the noise.

There is rest in knowing

You won’t leave me as I am.

Saturday, February 08, 2014


Lump in the throat

Ache in the soul

Missing one

or Missing many

or just Missing old times




Being together.






Thursday, January 09, 2014

A Falling Star

And there it was! One o’clock in the morning on New Year’s Day with the kids asleep from the drive from Aurora and my man getting us safely home, I saw it.  When I drive past Happy Canyon, I can still see it.

A Falling Star

I’d say it was shooting, but this was no Disney arc. It was a bright, hot ball of meteorite falling right there into the field.

And that’s what I want to be.  In the whole scheme of history, my life will be even smaller than that moment, and yet, I want it to be as big and bright for Jesus as that falling star.

I struggle often with “am I making a difference?”  For some reason, I have always thought that if that student doesn’t remember my name, friend me on Facebook or invite me to their wedding, that somehow I have had no impact of them.  That is a lie, though. The kind that Satan needles me with when I’m hurt and sad and lonely.

I’m not the one they are supposed to remember. (Although I still wouldn’t mind if they did every so often.)  If something I said or did pushed them toward Christ, then I have made a difference.  They don’t have to remember the words or the names, but if they remember the love or the Word or how God worked in their lives, then I have made a difference.  It isn’t about me, and it never had been.

Lord, make me shine bright for my moment here but only for You!

Thursday, October 31, 2013


I’m alone at this beach; it’s an inlet, secluded, but the waves still reach me. For years, I let the waves lap at my feet. I jumped in up to my ankles, getting closer to the waves as they would crash.  Eventually, the call of the water is greater than my fear, so I time it right and get beyond the breaking waves, to the swell of the water. Jumping when the water is low and finding a place where I can touch bottom every so often.  Being there, in the water, is amazing!

But as I get deeper in, I start to get scared. Despite the fact that this perfect love drives out fear, I get spooked.  And so I head back to the shore.  Before long, I am underwater, panicked, and then on the beach, with sand everywhere, panting and scared.

I’ve been tentative since then. Unhappy with the beach and it’s ability to only wet my toes, but how do I get back out there, into that ocean?  I see Him out there, inviting me to come back out.

I wish I were a fish or a mermaid. I wish there was no risk, but the call is strong, and so I’m headed back out.  I know I’m not alone.  

Sunday, July 28, 2013

To Receive Love…

When we were in Reno, we were blessed to visit the Senior High ministry at GCR. Todd was teaching, so I was definitely looking forward to the morning. Since Roger and I love teens, it was easy to be there.

After we sang a few songs, we broke into small groups. Roger and I were with a group of girls and one of the GCR coaches. (Jen got whisked away to another group…*sigh*).  The questions were thought provoking, and I loved listening to the sweet girls answer them and contributing when it was my turn.

One question in particular stands out still.

Do you find it easier to love others or receive love?

With only one exception, every single person said “it’s harder to receive love”  I heard so many different answers to why it’s hard to receive love. I heard them talk about a culture that tells them they aren’t worth it because they aren’t on TV or thin or as beautiful as a movie star (although they are…maybe more so).  I heard them talk about how they love and care for their friends, but don’t know how to be the one who needs help.  There were so many answers.

Todd tied up the morning with some heartfelt words about love and God’s love for us.  And on we went, to meet people and attend service with Jen. It really was a lovely morning.


Last night, talking to my sweet Rog, I realized I don’t really believe people love me.  Epiphany!  oh wow!  My poor husband says such kind things to me; he tells me he likes me or that he loves me. And because of my own brokenness and my own past hurts, I have a hard time really believing that.  It’s not just him, either. 

I have a hard time believing that when I’m out of sight that I’m not also out of mind. I have a hard time believing that when I haven’t heard from someone…when they haven’t initiated contact in a while…that they aren’t just annoyed with me or ignoring me. I know where some of these thoughts come from, and I realize so many times it’s all in my head.

I’m still exploring this brokenness, but what I do know is that I am loved—even when I don’t feel it.  And you are too…

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Keep Looking Out

I was sitting in my chair, looking out the window, like I do most mornings. The light was bright, and it made everything look cheerful.  As I sat, though, the clouds would mute the sunlight some, and that’s when I noticed all the smudges on the window. I don’t know if I’ve ever washed these windows, so there is significant grime on them.  I knew that there was a message here for me. More than just, learn to clean. I sat for a while, but it didn’t clear up (or clean itself—how rude).

This morning I sat again, a little earlier and with a little more cloud cover. (I did see a little blue sky). The smudges and dirt were more obvious and what’s more, it distracted me from looking outside. I was missing the leaves and the sky because all I could see was my own incompetence.

Lord, what are you saying here?

Don’t get so distracted by your own failures, your own sin, and the dirt in your life that you can’t see what’s beyond. We can clean together, and that will be good, but don’t miss what’s going on outside yourself. Your focus can’t stay on these failures or you’ll miss what I’m doing.

Friday, June 14, 2013

I Prepared for you

Tonight God ministered to my heart with such sweetness that I can’t let it pass without sharing it with you. And giving Him glory!


One of the things that means the most to me is the little things that tell me I’m thought of when I’m not around.  A text, an email, a phone call out of the blue…even more so a card in the mail from someone I love.  That card in the mail says not only were you thought of, but I made an effort for you. That is one of the reasons I love gifts.


A few years ago my mom bought me a scarf for Christmas. It wasn’t on my list, but I had mentioned I’d like one.  When she saw it, she realized it had colors in it I wear often. It is one of the best gifts I’ve gotten lately. It told me that she knew me and thought of me.


Tonight, as I was enjoying the Hillsong United concert at Red Rocks, I was thinking about how our youth pastor and his wife had so generously given the tickets to us. I processed how it was so amazing, but, unlike my birthday when they had put together some fun surprises in the car I was driving up to Winter retreat, that it wasn’t like they had bought the tickets for us originally.


And here is where God spoke so clearly. Not in these words, mind you, for He is always so much more eloquent  and tender than I am.


“When they bought these tickets, I knew you would use them. I chose them for you. I am the one who prepared this night for you. (Don’t let it diminish in your mind because I also prepared it for all the people here at Red Rocks.) I went ahead of you in time, which does not bind me, and set this night up for you.


I started it with a worship song you knew and then merged it into Relentless because that is how much I love you… I knew how much Everlasting would mean to you because as you surrendered your heart, you knew you would still fail, but I wanted you to remember my Grace. I knew how many times you have listened to your vacation playlist, and how well you would know the Scandal of Grace, and how it would make you smile. I inspired the Colossians 1 passage along the way, so you could speak aloud my word with joy! I planned some songs that you wouldn’t connect with, so you could sit and rest and talk to me. It is at that point of sweetness that Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) reached in and brought a swell of love and emotion between us. 


There were other moments with other songs that you may or may not hear again, but all along, I knew you needed this night. How thirsty you’ve been to really worship me, but life and circumstances have held you back. I want you, Beloved.”


And so I am full! Even as I wake up from not enough sleep into a busy day, I am overflowing from the night God planned for me. And every day He plans things for me. Some days it’s the blue sky and others it is a kind word from a friend. But I don’t want to miss what he has prepared for me today or any day. Thank you Jesus!