Monday, November 29, 2010

The Filling

There are layers to life.
There is the top layer...relationship with God, husband and children, health, and home.
There is the bottom to day things like laundry, losing things, finding things, and just generally getting through the day.
And God shows up and blesses me often in both of those. Often and continually...from a husband who is an amazing father to my kids and redeems my own brokenness over my failing realtionship with my own God finding everything I ask for help finding ever since I got back from China.

But my problem is this middle layer.
The middle is where I have friends and ministry. The middle is where I'm fighting with God right now. The middle has been the hard part for almost a year, and it just hasn't gotten better. From my perspective God is stripping me of anything that I care about or love. Not usually completely tearing it away, but leaving it in a diminished form that I'm not content with.

And I continue to be a petulant child pouting and crying and screaming that He doesn't love me. Isn't that what dads do? They spoil their little girls with things they want, right? I mean, that isn't at all my experience with a dad, but isn't it supposed to be? I know being ignored or generally not communicated with is not what dads are supposed to do...but why can't He go the opposite way and spoil me?

My sweet husband stated my strength in Sunday School as someone who pays attention to the people on her "list" and cares for them and pays lots of attention to them. At least that's what I heard him say. So, if this is a strength for me, then why does God keep changing those relationships...making it so that they can't be the level of love & trust that I have stored up to give?

I've got a ton of emotion going...and I know it isn't logical. God has spoiled me...I live in America...all of layer 1 and layer 3 seem to be going well. Why am I complaining?

It's like that isn't the right proportions.... (I just love pie, so I wanted that analogy)

It's like a layer've got a great cake on the bottom and a great cake on the top...but that layer in the middle is what makes it really unique...and right now the uniqueness is kinda bitter... OK, there is some sweetness, but it's just doesn't taste right. And my tears aren't adding what it needs either.

I'd love to have some amazing conclusion here...but really, me & God are still fighting about what that middle layer is supposed to taste like.


At 11:33 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through this Melissa. I can really empathize. I've been so lost for so long, and I feel like I've lost some of the friendships that I treasure most. Don't know how to get them back. I guess that the main thing that I keep turning to is that even though I don't like the direction He's leading me in right now, He's never steered me wrong before. So I just have to trust in His ways, because they're higher than mine. then, someday, I'll look back with a big OH! and understand. It doesn't make going through it any less painful though.


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