A Mellifluous View

Mentor

2012-01-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

I have always been jealous of people that had mentors. I wanted one, but I had no idea how to get one. How do you find someone to mentor you? What is required? Why would anyone really commit to that time with me when life is so busy? For some reason this year, I decided to finally pursue relationships with two godly women that I would consider my mentors.

I love these women. I love spending time with them. With one, I rarely get time together, but she has definitely challenged me, and her words continue to push me forward. The other I get more time with, and believe me we can talk for hours. Just having a relationship with her encourages me.

One day I introduced this wonderful woman to a friend and called her my mentor. She balked. "We're friends" And I was taken aback. Of course, I hadn't asked her to be my mentor, but why wouldn't she want the title?

I talked to another friend. He said, "what's the difference between a friend and a mentor anyway?"

Better look it up.

Once you get past the friend of Odysseus, you see this definition at Merriam-Webster.com:

: a trusted counselor or guide b: tutor, coach

So, anyone you consider a trusted counselor or guide or tutor or coach is your mentor? I actually like this a lot, but I think the there is a lot more that most people add to this term which makes it daunting. "How could I be a mentor?"

People may think that being a mentor means being perfect. Since no one is, then mentors would not exist. In a Christian context, mentors may think they need to have it all together spirtually. Nope. A mentor should be someone growing, but they don't have to have answers to every question or perfect advice for any possible scenario.

You see, I am a mentor. That's what I do. I'm a youth leader, and I usually have girls that I meet with and spend time with. I know I'm screwed up...and it doesn't take long til they know it too. :) But I love them and I'm there to counsel or guide in whatever ways they might need. Most times that's not that much different than being a friend. Just a listener or an asker of questions. I'm passionate about being a mentor even though I'm not very good at it most of the time. Why wouldn't anyone want that? (Maybe we all think that about our passions.)

In the end, I realized that not every friend of mine is a mentor, but a lot more of my friends really are my trusted counselors at different times and seasons in my life. Whether they accept the title or not, they are my mentors. No need to be jealous anymore!

Psalms Personalized ~ 124

2012-01-06T07:36:00.002-07:00

If God had not been on my side,
sing with me,
If God had not been on my side
when Satan attacked me
then I would have drowned in
the raging sea of emotion
the water would have filled
my lungs so I couldn't
take a breath
My head would have sunk under
the waves of sin and sadness.
Praise the Lord!
He rescued me from the torrent
He lifted me onto stable ground
and dried me off. He healed me.
He is all the help I need,
my mighty refuge and loving God.
He freed me to sail with Him ~ the Almighty!

Psalms Personalized ~ 130

2012-01-06T07:30:00.003-07:00

Psalm 130
Out of the depths of my emotions
I call for You, My Lord.
Please hear my voice and
know I cry to You in desperation.
If you considered our sins, I'd be
hopeless~completely lost
but out of Your perfect character
You bring forgiveness, so we could
see You for who You are and worship.

I long for you Lord; I wait with
longing that shakes me to the core
and I put my hope in Your word.
I wait for You ~ looking expectantly
for You and I long for You.

My family, put Your hope in the Lord
because He loves you with deep
enduring faithfulness and love and
redemption that overflows

He will buy me back from all my sins.

Love one another deeply, from the heart

2011-12-24T19:08:00.001-07:00

1 Peter 1:22
Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.

And I told him, "loving people sucks! It's so hard and so painful"

And He gently replied, "try dying for them"

Anticipation

2011-10-07T12:38:00.002-06:00

I used to get very excited for things in life. I used to build up huge amounts of anticipation. The planning and thinking were almost as fun as the actual event.

Over the last year or so, though, I feel like my anticipation muscle has atrophied. It's not that I haven't had fun plans. I've had lots. But for some reason, I just haven't looked forward to things in the same way.

The curious thing is why. And I don't really know.

I finally felt a little anticipation today. And it was really wonderful. I miss that!

The day after

2011-09-12T11:06:00.003-06:00

It was quiet on September 12, 2001. It was eery how quiet. You never really notice all the noise you get from airplanes until suddenly the silence in the sky overwhelms you. I remember staring out at the sky.

I remember wondering how the world would go on turning, and yet I headed back to work. And I turned on the TV where I'd watched that tower fall. I had no idea that it had been in that kind of danger.

And all was quiet.

But the images were burned into our retinas.

Journaling

2011-08-26T10:29:00.007-06:00

When I was in 7th grade, I started journaling. Diaries never worked for me for long, but a prayer journal was something I learned to do that was more meaningful. I used a prayer journal for a long time. It helped me focus during my time with God. I enjoyed writing, so it was an easy way for me to communicate.

And then, at a women's retreat years later, I had an encounter with God that sent me running. Crazy, I know. Retreats are supposed to draw us closer to God. But I stopped journaling pretty abruptly. I was scared to death of God and what he was going to do in my life. My faith wasn't gone, but I was definitely avoiding Him. My relationship with God eventually recovered, but the journaling didn't continue.

In a wonderful, needed, de-cluttering stage, I started to read my prayer journals which I had kept in a box. And you know what, they were EMBARASSING! Wasn't I supposed to feel so blessed by how God had moved in my circumstances when I read these again? Instead I was dismayed by how I sounded. I was ashamed of how I was still dealing with the same issues. And I could tell what I wouldn't even put down in the journal because I was afraid someone else might read it. I was horrified at my own banality. I threw away all but my very first prayer journal. How freeing to let go of it...maybe...

Well, over and over in the last few months, the prayer journal has been mentioned in things I've read and by people I respect. Yes, Lord, I'm listening. A prayer journal is something that really does help me process. I don't have to read it again to have received the blessing out of processing on paper with You.

Downpour

2011-08-16T15:11:00.002-06:00

The rain is pouring!
It has washed away the evil clown that the neighbor boy chalked on our sidewalk.
Just like Jesus washes away my sins.
Except my sins are a lot more sinister than an evil clown.
Still he keeps on washing me clean, like the rain keeps pouring today.

China Memory

2011-08-13T15:22:00.002-06:00

Thanks to Sarahcastically, I am shyly smiling at one of my favorite signs in China.

Dreaming

2011-08-12T13:14:00.003-06:00

Today I saw this question come up on Facebook.

If you were a food, what would you be… and why?

And I knew that I would be a crescent roll.
And I know I very well couldn't put that on the America's Test Kitchen page...because they are so classy and from scratch...and I'm more of a homey, easy, and occasionally homemade kinda cook.

Crescent Rolls are really comforting. They are great by themselves, but also flexible in use with other ingredients. Maybe a crust in a breakfast cassarole...maybe rolled up with ham and cheese for lunch...maybe surrounding a marshmallow and dipped in butter and cinnamon sugar to tell the story of the Resurrection. Crescent rolls are buttery and satisfying. Fancy, simple, sweet or savory. They can do it all.

OK...maybe I'm not a crescent roll...but a girl can dream!

(once on this blog I wrote an Ode to a Crescent Roll...I wish I knew when, so I could find it again.)

Sequels

2011-07-15T13:35:00.002-06:00

Sequels are hard for me. Often they take characters I love and show me that they didn't have the happy ending I wanted for them.

Pirates of the Carribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
They should have just let Elizabeth and Will live happily after returning Capn Jack to the sea.

Speaker for the Dead
I want Ender to really find happiness with the Hive Queen and the Piggies and a new family of his own.

Cinderella
Why on earth did they have these straight to DVD sequels?????

So this week when we got to the end of Season 2 of Chuck, I wondered...will I regret that I am still watching? I've heard such mixed reviews. Should I just leave Chuck and Sarah in love and Chuck updated with Intersect 2.0?

Life isn't really happily ever after. We don't reach a point where we stop having issues or problems whether great or small. On this earth, even some of the greats had sad, sad endings.

David--a man after God's own heart, but with a screwed up family and a dead son who tried to kill him.

Solomon--wisest, but obviously didn't apply the wisdom to himself.

Princess Diana--we wanted so many things for her...but she ended up run-down in a tunnel.

In my heart though, I still long for those happy endings because I believe in the ultimate happy ending. My life here ends, and I spend eternity with my Savior: no sin--just perfect unity.

Do not let me run, Lord!

2011-07-01T18:42:00.008-06:00

The longing
The yearning
To be complete
In union with You
The desire to be filled
No longer broken
Or lonely
But utterly whole
Unaware of myself
Living only in You
It drives me to the intimacy
I greatly desire
And usually run from
Do not let me run, Lord!
Hold me tenderly
Embrace me in a new way
Draw me into a place
Where I am aware of Your love alone
Where need is no longer
Even a memory

copyright 2011

today

2011-06-19T14:43:00.003-06:00

I want to think deeply. But on Father's Day I have such a mix of emotions. It's hard to take all my crazy thoughts and arrange them.

I love my dad.
I know my dad loves me in his own way.
I know God fills in the gaps.
I know that forgiveness for the ways I have felt abandoned is how I can find peace.
I don't feel like crying today.
I wish I knew what to say to show my dad love.
I'm so grateful for my husband who is an amazing dad and husband.
I love how God takes my emotional needs that I speak to Him and wows me.
I guess I should ask for more, but would that be selfish?

I remember staying at my dad's house as a little girl and eating popcorn, Tombstone pizza with sauteed mushrooms, and mac & cheese. I remember Lake Powell and lots of other time out on the lake. I remember driving to his church downtown. I remember eating hashbrowns at McDonalds for breakfast. I remember folding newspapers in the garage.

I know that I need to let go of my expectations and accept my dad for who he is. He is hard-working. He is friendly. He is helpful. He knows how to take care of a lot of things. He's my dad.

Lord, please help me respect and love my dad. Fill in my gaps where I need them filled. Give me words of love for my dad. Thanks! M

Fame

2011-05-31T11:18:00.003-06:00

I'm gonna live forever! Baby, remember my name...

I had a disturbing conversation with my daughter last week. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said famous.

So I asked some more questions. Would it be good to be famous for a year and then have no one remember you? No, that would be sad, she responded.

When I asked her the good parts of being famous, she said she would have fans.

I went on to illuminate some of the bad things about being famous...not knowing who likes you for who you are and who likes your fame. Not being able to go where you want without being bothered. Not having privacy.

I'm not sure that she was affected at all by the conversation.

The problem is...fame is this huge draw in our culture. Even I want to be famous occasionally...or maybe a little more often than that.

What does fame bring that draws our attention? Why is it so important to us? It isn't just the wealth. Somehow we all have a desire to be known. A desire to be appreciated. And our culture has magnified that into this huge monstrosity.

And is it important what we are famous for? I'd rather not be (in)famous for something horrific. I don't really want 15 minutes of fame, either. I want to make a difference for Christ. If I'm gonna be famous for something else, I think I'll just pass.

Maybe its about making a lasting difference. We don't need to be famous to leave a legacy that goes beyond ourselves. We don't have to be famous to be important or change someone's life.

If it's about living forever...I've already got that. I am all set!

Summer

2011-05-24T20:53:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

I can feel your petty pace creeping in,
and I approach the next months with trepidation

How to arrange this time with all four of us at home so that we aren't screen fried and scatterbrained.

How to fit in the things we enjoy and also make a difference in the lives of others...of each other at the very least.

How to make this time significant.

How to not long for tomorrow, not strut and fret, but content myself with summer.

Fugitive

2011-05-18T11:12:00.005-06:00

Human relationships have their ups and downs. They are close and then they seem distant and then close again. Our relationships with God also are like this because we are human. He isn't...He is perfect and never distances himself from us.

Sometimes I feel like a runaway bride. When Christ takes me deeper...lets me hear His Spirit more fully...woos me...I Love it. And then I run the other way. Not deep into sin although I know sin is something that often distracts me. Not away from my faith completely. But in fear of this closeness that I long for.

I know that I long for this closeness because I pursue it in other relationships and affections. Instead of going to the One who can bring it, I lose myself in the world of a book or in a TV show or in the friends I'm chasing. And I know none of these can fill me. If you have read my blog, you know that this is a constant battle. Sorry to be a broken record here...but I'm still working on it.

God promises in the often quoted and so ignored in my head verse Jeremiah 29:11. God's plan for me is good...to prosper me and not to harm me. So, why is it sooooo hard to let go of control? Why is it so hard to dream? Why is it so hard dive into that deep relationship with God?

He keeps pursuing me. Running will just cause more stress. Why do I keep running?

I'm a fugitive
Running from the life that I was meant to live
(from Stolen by Brandon Heath)
((and yes you should listen to the whole song))

Boasting

2011-05-18T10:00:00.004-06:00

"as you have understood us in part, you will come to understand fully that you can boast of us just as we will boast of you in the day of the Lord Jesus." 2 Cor 1:14 NIV

When was the last time you boasted about somebody else?

When was the last time you knew someone well enough that you could boast of them?

Do we look at each other in order to see spiritual growth and working of the Spirit in someone's life? Or are we too preoccupied with ourselves?

How does one go about boasting of someone? In the verse it talks of this on the day of the Lord Jesus. When He returns and judges, I hope I can boast in you my friends and readers...but why wait?

Hunger

2011-05-06T15:15:00.005-06:00

I read the Hunger Games trilogy this last week... To be honest I read each of them in the course of 4 days although they weren't consecutive. All three were amazing!

One thing they made me examine is how I spend my time. In the dystopian future in the books, the people of the Capitol live in excess while those in the Districts barely keep from starving. It made me open my eyes. The Capitol folks focus so much on entertainment that they have forgotten or never known compassion or sacrifice.

I am not so different from them. (skin crawls)

The time I spend on entertainment...books, movies, shows...is huge. In fact, I don't know what I'd do with that time if I had it back. How would I keep myself occupied? I get bored when I don't have a story to follow. Would I get more sleep? Would I pour more time into keeping my house? (if you know me then, you know THAT wouldn't be likely). I honestly don't know, and I'm afraid to find out.

But the books are challenging me: examine the things your culture demands--do they make sense? For example: Why do we do the things we do? Why is the external so important? Why do women shave their legs? Why do we have so much food when others subsist from day to day?

The books have given me lots to think about...so they can't be all bad. right?

Graduating

2011-04-30T10:03:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year again: Graduation! This year it seems bigger to me however...you'll see why.

Graduation means accomplishment; through a ton of hard work, a goal has been reached! Graduation also means the end of an era; a season of life is ending with relationships and routines changing if not fading away completely. Graduation is a time of reflection on all of the above. Graduation means celebration of the person who has worked and achieved and invested.

So, this year I have dear friends graduating from Seminary, Undergrad, High School, and do not forget Kindergarten. The whole gamut is represented. Not only are they significant graduations, but the people graduating are significant. Starting with my sweet son who made it through Kindy, Rachel, Danielle, Teddy, Mark, and Todd. All of these people have made a significant impact on me as a person. I could probably write a whole blog entry about each one (but not today ;) )

But for me, it's a graduation too. I'm graduating from stay-at-home mommyhood. My youngest will be in school full day. If the opportunity to stay home and be a homemaker presented itself, I might jump at it; this shocks me to the core. But for better or for worse, this graduation does mean I have to find employment.

And that is one thing that graduation means for some of us that I haven't mentioned yet: the unknown. What does God want us to do next? The future is not clear; the steps haven't been laid out before us. What job or career will God bring? Will it require a move? Will it be what we want or what we dreamed of? Will it be the dream job we always wanted and turn out to be not at all what we enjoy?

For me Graduation = Trepidation

Yes, God, I hear Jeremiah 29:11 echoing. I hear 2 Tim 1:7. I hear Phil 4:6. Please God increase my faith. Help me trust You with my unknown. For You it is known...and You are there in the middle of it.

So, I choose to move my mind away from the fear. Instead I'll focus on the fact that I wish my graduation meant a party to celebrate my accomplishments and all the attention and gifts. But moms don't get a party...this is a wrong that should really be addressed.

Laundry

2011-04-19T14:08:00.003-06:00

Sometimes God talks to me while I'm doing laundry. I wish He did every single time I did laundry. Then I'd want to do laundry every day...I would beg my kids to change clothes midday...I would rush to the dryer when it insistently calls to me that the cycle is done.

It's amazing though. He has done it at the old house and again here; He has just drawn me close to Him.

Why the laundry?
Because my hands are busy, but my mind is not?
Because I'm surrounded by the boxes of clutter that need to be dealt with and remind me that He is trying to do the same in my life?
Because He has made me clean...once for always, but over and over again?

I've had deep dark conversations with Him while I'm doing laundry. Conversations that I never want to write down because I wouldn't want to admit the extent of my own brokenness. I need that so much!

But no, Rog, this doesn't mean that I won't let you do the laundry sometimes too!

Light

2011-04-19T09:38:00.005-06:00

I like electric lighting. I like that I can stay up late and read. I like that even on a stormy day, I can have a bright, cheery home. Electric light gives us so much: Flexibility, more hours in the day, even on stage, it can give us heat.

But compared to the Sun, its pretty insignificant.

The Sun heats our world--without it we could not have life. The Sun gives us light...even at night as it lights the moon. The Sun on a clear day brings a warmth and brightness to the spirit that affects our whole outlook on life. It's power is immense!

We can't let the electric lights in our lives outweigh the magnificence of the Sun.

We can't let the people we love outweigh the God who sustains us.

(there are no perfect metaphors, but this one helps me)

I love What's in the Bible!

2011-04-16T07:16:00.007-06:00

What's in the Bible is an amazing series! DVD 5 is set to come out soon, and it covers 1 & 2 Samuel. (So lots about King David.) Your money is well spent when you give your kids and yourself the gift of What's in the Bible. I've learned a lot...and I've been a Christian for 32 years! My kids love it, so what could be better than puppets entertaining me and teaching my family all about God's rescue plan for humanity? Not much...

Truly popular

2011-04-03T22:17:00.005-06:00

After watching a Beth Moore video a few weeks ago, I was driven to really think.

What kind of man does it take to attract followers who are so diverse?

A burly fisherman and a dishonest tax collector

A rabbi and a prostitute

An old man and young children

The very rich and the very poor

It amazes me that Jesus of Nazareth inspired not just the typically religious of his time, but every type of common man and woman. People flocked to him! He could hardly get away to pray...the crowds followed him around a large lake. They went without food...

What kind of man inspires a little boy to give up his lunch? I rarely give up my lunch for anything let alone anyone.

Can you imagine the diversity of humanity who was drawn to the one and only Son of God? I know by what He did for me that He is extraordinary...divine!

He can't have been milquetoast. He can't have been boring. He can't have been cheesy.

People just don't follow a man like that.

He is gentle, but in the strength of a carpenter and a king.

He is full of life...for it is from His breath that we are formed.

He laughed, He cried, He loved.

He was a man that drew attention not because He needed it but because we needed Him so very badly. How I need Him more and more!

Happy Birthday Tyler!

2011-03-08T17:57:00.002-07:00

To my one "official" follower/teenage nephew! I hope you had a great day, man!

The Best Present

2011-02-22T15:51:00.003-07:00

Today is my birthday! I love, love, LOVE my birthday! And today has been so amazing...let me tell you why.

I realized recently and had it cemented in my head at the youth retreat this weekend that it is not your job, as my friend, to fill me up. Only God can do that.

When I let go of my expectations and just depend on God to fill my need for love, I'm so open to the love from others. The love I get is icing on the cake. I don't need it, but it adds sweetness to my life. My relationships will be healthier.

I sat down this morning with God. He showed me love through His Word. And now instead of being stressed about who will remember my birthday and who will text me and who will fill my tank...I'm just happy.

That's the best present I've gotten!

Musings over Starbucks

2011-02-03T15:09:00.005-07:00

When people leave, I tend to take it personally: when they leave our common church home, when they leave town, when they leave the groups we have together. Because really, I should be enough to make anyone stay. Wow! Do I really think that way? Not literally but somehow I want it to be true. I'm worth you staying around....right?

So today as I talked with a close friend about my messed-up thinking, it came back to who will fill me? Even at their best, my friends and family can only fill about an inch of my Venti cup. And so I sit around waiting for people to fill up that inch of my need for significance, but it is never enough. It is sweet when it comes, but like the syrup in the bottom of the cup, it's just not satisfying all by itself.

I need to stop looking to people to fill my cup and go to God. God is ready to pour out His love on me...love that isn't fickle or transient. His love is full and satisfying. And it's enough. It's enough to overflow my cup....with foam even.

(I need a Bible verse to help me remember this...anyone have a good one for me?)

500

2011-01-26T08:38:00.003-07:00

This post is my 500th post. I started this blog in August of 2005. At the time I had a newborn and a 2 year old. Here it is January of 2011....I have a 5 and a 7 year old. Big changes!

I used to post more often with strange little bits in between my longer musings...but now there's facebook. I have been reading old blog posts recently. I like having a window into the past.

My desire going forward is to write more often because I'm thinking more deeply. I want to reflect Christ in all I do and say.

Thanks readers for taking the journey with me.

The Margin

2011-01-25T14:09:00.002-07:00

I have a very wise husband. Not only can he help me work through things...when I ask, but keep his mouth shut when I don't...he also words things extremely well.

As I was venting to him awhile back, he said something rather profound to me.

"You live in the margin. Other people have work and so many other things to do, they are trying to find margin for relationships with friends."

This is a kind way of saying I have no life.
And it was...I didn't take offense in any way.
And it was true too.

Right now, I'm living in the margin...my whole page feels like margin, but I do have a few things. Like Directional Team...and being a youth leader...and bookclub...but really, most people are trying to fit these things into the margins of their life. And it's all I've got right now.

I am not a mind reader.

2011-01-20T14:17:00.004-07:00

Loneliness. Is it worse to be lonely in a crowd or lonely all by yourself? I posed that to my friends on facebook and got a myriad of answers...all different...all valid. Even my own answer might have changed a little bit since I posed it.

There is a moment...a moment when you want desperately to connect with someone and despite your efforts, they just don't connect with you the way you had hoped. You see, I am not a mind reader. Despite my ideas to the contrary, I don't really know what anyone else is thinking. They might be sad or mad or annoyed or just a little distracted. But I imagine their motives, and I get hurt or sad or just wish for depth that wasn't there. A few of these moments in a given week add up for me.

Loneliness.

It's that time between being with people who I didn't connect with to the depth that I desired and being able to do another task that I think is the loneliest. I just came from the crowd or even just one or two people...and I might be alone...but it's that space of disconnect that overwhelms me. It's a feeling of abandonment, of rejection, of insignificance.

But as I mentioned earlier, I'm not a mind-reader. I am not always good at reading people; I'm insecure often, and together that spells disaster and a loneliness that just may be all in my head. Or my heart.

Christmas Tree

2011-01-11T22:54:00.006-07:00

We cut it down in the woods
We put it up in our home
There it stood unencumbered
Just a tree, evergreen

We covered it with precious memories
with ornaments and with lights
under it we put our treasures
gifts to bring our loved ones joy

During many celebrations
It stood among us, tall and proud
we enjoyed all of the memories
the adornment and the light

But the time came, and it stands naked

all alone, adornment gone

do not forget its truest beauty

again a tree, still glorious

MM

Unveiled Faces

2011-01-04T15:02:00.005-07:00

2 Corinthians 3:18

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

I love this verse. It is the verse I chose to memorize first this year. I know what it says to me, but I'm being careful to study some more and make sure that what I am thinking lines up with what scripture really says. I see boldness, I see transformation, I see my life becoming more glorious because of who God is.

I want to be bold...I don't want to hide what God is doing with a veil. It's easy to do that...easy to veil the transformation, so that people don't get scared. There will be people who liked me how I was...who aren't comfortable with the changing me. But if the changing makes me more like Jesus then I want to go ahead fully with my face unveiled.

R+T=TLF

2010-12-26T10:21:00.002-07:00

I always think of Robb & Tricia at Christmas.

It was in Sunday School class close to Christmas one year, and people were sharing their favorite Christmas tradition. And Tricia shared her favorite tradition. And we all giggled nervously. It was a good tradition, but we didn't know really how to react. Over the years, I realized that her honest lovestruck response was the only one that stuck with me from that conversation. And even after we all had kids and the traditions had to change somewhat, I remembered that. I always think of them with a smile on Christmas.

Coffee or in my case hot chocolate and a conversation with a friend...Barnes & Noble Starbucks...and I saw Tricia out of the corner of my eye. I am not there often, but I've seen her there more consistently than anyone else. She is a writer...so what better place to run into a friend who writes? I just smiled and said hi. I was in the midst of the conversation I was having.

Was it the 22nd or the 23rd? I woke up thinking of Robb & Tricia...and their tradition. Christmas is around the corner... It made me smile, and I've been a bit melancholy this Christmas time, so it was nice to smile for a minute. I'm still not sure why I've been down...was it the changes at elevation? Was it that a friend made other plans when I opened my heart and invited her to share Christmas with us? Probably both...plus my own brokenness.

And when I saw it posted on facebook, that Robb had died in Tricia's arms...that he was in heaven holding the two little ones they had lost early, and she was here with two precious preschool boys...then the shock and the sadness hit. It doesn't matter that I haven't seen them much in 5 years. It doesn't matter that I didn't know him all that well. What I did know was that he was an amazing husband and dad...but now he was looking in Jesus face. And really, Tricia hasn't left my mind for more than a few minutes since the 23rd. Praying, thinking, letting the melacholy have full sway at times, praying for her & those boys.

And I will always think of Robb & Tricia at Christmas.

Christmas Balance

2010-12-09T09:27:00.004-07:00

I noticed this morning as we were getting ready for school that the Christmas tree was leaning. Not good! So, I decided to try to adjust it. Also not good! Pretty soon, I was the one holding the Christmas tree up. Some the lights started to come off...and some ornaments fell. Nothing broke, but I started to get scared.

And that's how I feel about Christmas sometimes.

I feel like I'm holding up the tree. I'm the one who is making sure our memories don't fall and that our traditions don't break. I'm the one who has to make Christmas happen. But guess what...Christmas happened just fine without me over 2000 years ago...and God didn't need my help to manage to send His son to earth as a gift to all mankind.

So, I called for help! I had Trina dial and Roger came running home to rescue me. And as I steadied the tree, he turned it a little and then inserted the 3 pins that hold it up. Like the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, these pins unseen to most eyes held the tree in place. I let go! And the tree kept standing.

Dear Josh,

2010-12-06T17:09:00.003-07:00

I started praying for you before you got hired in Denver. And despite my misgivings, I'm glad you traded Cutler. I was fine to see Marshall go, and Sheffler didn't break my heart. And you drafted Tebow! And Zane! And I really trusted you with my team...and I still would if they hadn't fired you today. My only complaint was when you traded Hillis away... It has been a rotten season; we both know it. But you have a new baby girl, and I was looking forward to things coming together next season for the Broncos and for you.

I feel a lot of anger against all the haters....all the people who are glad you are gone. They never cared about the character of the team you were building...how I could finally consider buying a calendar for my kids that would have men of integrity and high morals. These people just don't seem right to me. Hating on you...it just isn't classy. And now they rejoice that you've lost your job. Please know, there are some of us who really do wish you well. Some of us who expect that you'll end up being successful elsewhere. Some of us who will wear a Broncos hoodie and wish it had been different.

Dear Josh...may God bless you more than Denver, this city that I love, did. All the best! MM

Saying Goodbye

2010-12-04T23:05:00.003-07:00

When I was in elementary school we made a Christmas ornament every year in school. Yes, I went to a public school...and yes, it was legal and acceptable for us to make an ornament for our Christmas tree. It's not like these pointed to Jesus...but they were pretty cool crafts.

And I kept my ornaments in a Winnie the Pooh shoe box. And I loved them dearly.

I put them up every year with reverence and joy. And even after Rog & I got married, they were a part of my tree. But over time, there has been less room on the tree for them. Finally, with new ornaments for my kids added each year...my box stayed closed.

I had grand hopes. I was going to find a generic Christmas quilt and put my special ornaments on display. Year after year I planned this quilt in my head.

This year, with our much taller tree, I opened the box. And as I looked at my ornaments, I realized that some of them just didn't make the journey to the tree as well as they had in my heart. And so I knew it was time to say goodbye.

And I cried. Cried for my childhood friends who were now leaving. Cried for the times I lovingly put them on the tree and for the times I would no longer have them to remember. I took their picture and let them go with many tears.

Goodbye my friends! I wish Christmas felt the same as it did back when I made you. I pray that the wonder I felt then would be found in that Winnie the Pooh shoe box when I open it again next year.

response

2010-12-02T22:33:00.003-07:00

Reason 1 why Facebook gets more attention than my blog.
People actually respond on facebook.
Last time anyone commented on my blog was on July 16 when an anonymous writer scolded me for killing a spider.
Because as much as I could say that my blog is for me...I'd be lying. I write for people. I write hoping that I'm communicating with someone.
Facebook...much of it is inane, boring, unimportant...but at least people will comment. At the very least they "like" a comment, so you know you've been heard.

This is very sad to me. My blog actually pushes me to think more deeply and care about more than just a sound bite. But without a participatory audience, I just feel lonely.

And the only way you build an audience is by writing. But without an audience, it's hard to be motivated to write. Maybe that's why I'm not a "real" writer...cause I don't just write for myself.
But do I really want my blog out there for all my fb friends to read? I could publish the address...but for some reason I've kept it more private. I mean, it's on the internet, so it's not really private, but it doesn't even have my real name on it.

OK...enough talking to myself...back to facebook. :P

The Filling

2010-11-29T13:57:00.004-07:00

There are layers to life.
There is the top layer...relationship with God, husband and children, health, and home.
There is the bottom layer...day to day things like laundry, losing things, finding things, and just generally getting through the day.
And God shows up and blesses me often in both of those. Often and continually...from a husband who is an amazing father to my kids and redeems my own brokenness over my failing realtionship with my own dad...to God finding everything I ask for help finding ever since I got back from China.

But my problem is this middle layer.
The middle is where I have friends and ministry. The middle is where I'm fighting with God right now. The middle has been the hard part for almost a year, and it just hasn't gotten better. From my perspective God is stripping me of anything that I care about or love. Not usually completely tearing it away, but leaving it in a diminished form that I'm not content with.

And I continue to be a petulant child pouting and crying and screaming that He doesn't love me. Isn't that what dads do? They spoil their little girls with things they want, right? I mean, that isn't at all my experience with a dad, but isn't it supposed to be? I know being ignored or generally not communicated with is not what dads are supposed to do...but why can't He go the opposite way and spoil me?

My sweet husband stated my strength in Sunday School as someone who pays attention to the people on her "list" and cares for them and pays lots of attention to them. At least that's what I heard him say. So, if this is a strength for me, then why does God keep changing those relationships...making it so that they can't be the level of love & trust that I have stored up to give?

I've got a ton of emotion going...and I know it isn't logical. God has spoiled me...I live in America...all of layer 1 and layer 3 seem to be going well. Why am I complaining?

It's like pie...ok...so that isn't the right proportions.... (I just love pie, so I wanted that analogy)

It's like a layer cake...you've got a great cake on the bottom and a great cake on the top...but that layer in the middle is what makes it really unique...and right now the uniqueness is kinda bitter... OK, there is some sweetness, but it's just doesn't taste right. And my tears aren't adding what it needs either.

I'd love to have some amazing conclusion here...but really, me & God are still fighting about what that middle layer is supposed to taste like.

Level 1

2010-10-29T21:18:00.002-06:00

Tonight at the Harvest Festival at school, the most popular and talked about game was a chance to win a goldfish if you got a pingpong ball into a glass jar (there were 10 or so jars). Both my kids wanted to play. Alex got to go first. He WON! And Trina went a little later. But she didn't win. Her gym teacher, however, slipped us a coupon for a fish for her too. YAY!

So guess what we needed to do as soon as the Festival was over? That's right...head over to Walmart for a home for these new friends...and food too. Roger had talked to me a while back about getting an aquarium, so we got more than the glass bowl for these 2 fish. We got the whole shooting match! Soon Suzie & Tony Knows will be able to swim free on a 10 gallon tank. Somewhere in the basement is a castle for them.

When we drove home from Walmart, Trina said, "we've reached level 1 of pet ownership!" Yes, my dear, we have. And we have to master that fully before we'll even consider level 2.

Babel and UnBabel

2010-09-20T17:27:00.002-06:00

The story of the tower of Babel is somewhat of a mystery to me. It doesn't make sense to me in so many ways. And Roger and I were talking recently how it just doesn't get credit as an amazing miracle. Really, how did God do that. One minute they were talking and the next they couldn't understand each other. What were they trying to do? They were trying to build a tower that would reach God.

Do you ever do that? Do you ever get caught up in doing this amazing thing for the glory of God that you think you are getting there? You know, to God?

Now compare that to the 2nd Chapter of Acts when the Holy Spirit came down among Christ's followers. They all spoke one language until suddenly the unBabel! They are speaking in a myriad of languages. Did they know they were speaking in something different; did it sound different before it hit their lips or just after?

God reached down to us with the unBabel. He said, you don't need to build a tower to me; I'll come down and speak to you.

The Home Team

2010-09-17T09:12:00.006-06:00

Eventually everyone, even NickyB the die-hard Raiders fan, finds a reason to like the Broncos!

Today is NFL day at my kids' school. They are trying to generate school spirit and also get a grant/win a contest through the NFL. I saw tons of kids wearing NFL gear this morning as I was walking the kids into school.

I saw a bunch of Broncos stuff! And no question, I smiled on the teachers and kids representing the home team...OUR TEAM! The Denver Broncos! But its funny that I don't see how anyone could wear any other jersey. When I was a kid growing up in Arvada, I rarely saw another team's jersey on a classmate. Was I just oblivious? I don't think so. I think in general we were all BRONCOS fans. All but my lousy, mean gym teacher, a Raiders fan, who at least taught me proper hatred for the Oakland/LA/Oakland again Raiders.

I was really surprised by how many different jerseys I saw at school this morning. I mean I saw a major variety. It's true....I felt a little sick to my stomach to see one teacher in a KC Chiefs shirt and a kid in a Chargers jersey. I mean, barf! And thankfully, I didn't see a single Raiders shirt!

There are some things that are so ingrained that it is hard to understand anyone feeling differently. Some are a lot more important than football, but for me, football is still a big deal. I can't imagine people not liking the Broncos...and if not giving up their former allegiances, at least taking on the Broncos as their 2nd team. If you live in Colorado, rooting for the Broncos is required!

On the other hand, it doesn't matter where I live in the world, I will always be a Broncos fan. In the midst of a sea of Raiders jerseys, I'd still be in my Orange and Blue. I'd be scared to death of getting beat up, spit on, and generally tortured, but I bleed Orange. So, why am I surprised by other fans' loyalty to their team? Basically just because the Broncos are the best...why would anyone like anyone else? ;)

Who's being selfish?

2010-09-07T14:57:00.003-06:00

Selfish. There are times that I get frustrated with people and think they are being unfair to me. I'm not being treated like the other people in the group, and I feel like I need to assert my rights. I need to speak up and tell them how unfairly they are treating me and how selfish they are.

And the funny thing is, that over time I've realized that it is in these moments that I am the one being selfish. I'm expecting things that have never been promised. I'm seeing how others are treated and wondering why am I not getting that treatment; I'm missing that I get certain advantages or other treatment that is unique to my situation. I am the one wanting this person's life to be all about me. Guess who is selfish now.

First Day

2010-08-11T11:08:00.003-06:00

Well, today marked the first day for both my kids to be in school. I never did preschool with either of my kids, so that first day of Kindy is a big deal. They are used to playing with other kids at church and are used to me leaving them in capable hands, but it still feels different.

Usually the kids all line up in the gym, but because of all the kindy parents, the older kids went straight to their classrooms. That meant a short goodbye for Trina---a hug and she was off to her new class. Alex and I walked down and the first thing we saw was a little girl in his class tha WAS NOT HAPPY. I could tell it was spooking him. Mrs. M had to hold her while her dad left, but she's a pro--she was all smiles as she looked for Alex's nametag. I could feel the tears starting to surface several times. (like they are now just thinking about it) Finally we did our special goodbye force-push-kiss (our Stars Wars adaptation of blowing a kiss) which brought out my boy's smile, and I had to get out. But most of the parents weren't leaving.

Should I stay? Should I go? I stood in the main lobby trying to decide. The emotion down there was so intense, but I just wanted to make sure he was alright.

I went back, but I didn't call out to him or anything; I just watched. He wasn't smiley, but he seemed ok. I stood back as the classes got ready to head out. Mrs. G, the principal, gave a quick introduction to REACH behavior then she said, "wave goodbye to your moms and dads" That was the moment I had come back for! Even though he hadn't seen me for the last 10 minutes, he still looked straight at me. Thanks Holy Spirit for directing his eyes. We waved, and his class was off.

I love both of my kids' teachers this year, and I hope that will continue. But I really haven't met a teacher, administrator, or EA that I haven't liked at South. They are so friendly; it helps me know my kids will be taken care of by people who are glad to see them.

Only 40 more minutes til I can pick him up....and 4 hours after that we are back to get Trina!

Spider

2010-07-16T20:04:00.002-06:00

Soon after we moved into our new home, I was heading upstairs from the basement, and I saw this spider. It was living in a small hole in the door jam area of the door, and my first instinct was to kill it. So, I got my birks, and I tried to kill that spider, but it was quick. It headed back into its hole. I wasn't happy.

The next time I saw it, I wondered if maybe I should let it live. I hate bugs, and since spiders eat bugs, maybe it would turn out to be the perfect door keeper. But I wasn't convinced. I left my birks down a step from the spider. I'm not sure if it was a sign to me or to the spider that I wasn't convinced.

At least once, I saw it and wondered if it would jump out and bite me if I forgot about it.

I started to let it become a part of the landscape. I usually looked for it, but I hadn't tried to kill it in a while.

A few minutes ago, I stooped close to look at it. It looked a little more brown than black. I asked Roger..."what kind of spider do you think this is". He said, "the kind that doesn't get to live in my house!" So, he went and got a kleenex. I warned him that this spider was a quick one...but he wasn't deterred. First shot, he got it.

Sometimes we have things in life like the spider. We try to kill it, we're bothered by it, but then we get used to it. Perhaps all we need is to mention it to someone else; with help, we can get rid of more of the spiders in our lives.

Settling in

2010-06-19T10:36:00.002-06:00

Well, we've had our new house for almost a month now. Wow! It sure has been a full month.

Summer is always a challenge for me. I love having Trina and Roger home, but I also feel displaced as all the routines we've established since Spring Break go away. I'm not a routine person...or I don't think of myself as one...but it's usually hard to transition. This year, the transition hasn't been hard; it's been exciting. The transition to a new house with more room for the family....with a kitchen that looks onto the family room, so I'm not all alone while I cook...the many things that both Roger and I need to do, so I don't imagine I'm doing all the work.

Honestly, I had stopped caring about our old place. It's hard to admit that I hadn't vacuumed my kids room in months...that the carpet had gotten SO bad in the living area... What had once been my home felt like it was sucking the life out of me. Of course, now that I see the townhouse with no furniture in it, there is nothing to hide all of that. It's embarassing though.

I have new joy and energy in our new place. There is a lot to do...and not much money to do it with, but I care. This is a place I will live for a long time, God willing. I want to make it nice. I want to keep it clean. I want to have people over. It's amazing!

As I sit here, Roger is cleaning the kitchen. The stress of moving gave way to a new partnership. We still have more moving in and settling in to do, but I'm excited about it!

Wow! God is good

2010-05-24T15:50:00.003-06:00

We closed on our new house...and now we are in the process of packing for a move on Saturday. And I'm staying off of Facebook...so that should help me get a lot accomplished today. But now I'm on my blog.

I feel a bit overwhelmed. I need to make a list of small chunks to do, so I don't get overwhelmed and turn on the TV.

1 week

2010-05-14T14:50:00.002-06:00

In one week, God still willing, we will be buying a house. And I'm excited...although its hard to get there because its hard to believe. And I'm nervous...to have two mortgages even if just for a little while. And I'm ready to start a new chapter with new habits and new surroundings. And it will be strange to leave this place where I had my babies. But it's time. In two weeks+ we'll likely be moved. Wow! I'm cautiously optimistic. OK God, what do you have for us next?

The tunnel

2010-04-29T12:51:00.008-06:00

I was excited to head into the tunnel. Here was a secret passage way...a short cut. I had friends who invited me to check it out before the rest of the group. I thought it sounded cool...literally. It was out of the sunshine and thick heat of the day. Count me in!

And as we headed in, I felt the cool, but also the dankness of the tunnel. Hmmm... No problem, right? It felt funny walking on the wetness of the concrete, but I was busy enjoying the escape from the heat and checking out the tunnel. And then I started to look around. The walls were dingy, but it wasn't where I was staying, so I kept going.

Further in, it started to feel eerie. There were big sections of wall that were barred up with big iron gates. Behind them were areas where people could hide. I almost wanted to stop and look, but I kept going. I didn't want to be in the tunnel anymore. Where is that proverbial light?

But I couldn't see it. I knew it was there. The light...the exit into the sunshine...it was there. It had to be, but I still wondered.

And as I stand in the tunnel, I want to sit down. I'm tired, but it's dank, and the air is humid and still. I know I must keep going...the light is there...it is....it is...

hunting

2010-04-25T07:07:00.002-06:00

Well, we've been hunting for a house. It's funny to imagine that after all this time it might actually happen. The only hard part is trying to get it done before the money from the government runs out. That's FRIDAY! So, if you think of us, pray that we find the right house and can get a contract on it before the deadline. We don't want to settle for less than God's best for us. Unity, clarity, and the Holy Spirit guiding...

Randomness

2010-04-02T15:42:00.003-06:00

Well, God was kind to me and one ending was averted. The one I was dreading is not breathing down my neck. So, no goodbyes there. Thanks Lord!

I joined twitter, but I'm really not sure about it. I don't think I really get it yet.

I should be doing laundry. My excuse is the cookies in the oven.

Wisdom, wisdom, wisdom...please Lord give it to me. You promised you would if I asked.

Do I post too personally on here or facebook? Should I make things look like I'm always doing well?

Success...why is it that as soon as I've found some I fall flat on my face. Is success another word for pride? I mean seriously, I didn't feel like I was taking the credit. Trying to be humble but looking at my strengths honestly.

God, could you please give me a dream....one that I can contribute too.

Loving people still sucks, but I'll do it. Only because He asked.

2010-03-27T10:09:00.002-06:00

How do you deal with endings?

How do you see the end of a season coming and embrace the change, when, if you had your way, it wouldn't end. Can I stick around a while longer? I'm really not ready to go yet. Would you mind if I just sat here with you? Cause I've come to need you people in my life.

And how do you deal with the end of a season that you are actually anxious to see end, but you really don't have a plan for what the next season will look like. And you have senioritis...you have no energy or gumption to keep going, but you know you MUST finish well?

How do you both anticipate the grand finale you know is coming and the answers it will bring and mourn the loss of the journey that has helped you learn about yourself?

Each situation is VERY different from the other...but the commonality is that there isn't anything to fill the gaps they leave behind. And more gaps will follow next year.... Oh precious God, please fill the gaps!

What the World needs now...is right here!

2010-03-08T21:26:00.002-07:00

look out

2010-03-06T18:01:00.000-07:00

Z is teaching about complaining tomorrow. I'm already afraid.

Ode to a good Office Manager....or....

2010-02-24T12:19:00.001-07:00

2-22

2010-02-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

2-22 I love you! Please be good to me. :)

missing

2010-02-16T16:10:00.002-07:00

I've been amazed in the last 6 months how many things God has found for me. Each time I pray and ask him to help me find something missing, He directs me right to it. When I found Alex's birth certificate in a random box, then it was confirmed again how this finding was not coincidence.

Ok God, now can you help me find my heart?

Uninhibited, Broken, and ready to DANCE!

2010-01-18T15:36:00.013-07:00

When I was in Jr. High, going to the school dance was quite an experience. I remember getting ready--being nervous that no one would ask me to dance or that someone WOULD ask me. And I felt worried about getting out on the dance floor during the fast songs. But still I went. Not sure at the time what compelled me. Maybe the crush on had on a cute boy or just my desire not to miss out on something.

One night my friend Tracie brought me out on the dance floor during a fast song and explained to me that I just needed to be confident, move, and enjoy myself. I was nervous at first, but she convinced me to try it. And I was surprised that I was having fun. And I stopped worrying about how I looked or if people thought I was strange.

I enjoyed the dances in high school and the couple I went to in college. But then my natural venue for dancing was gone.

So, why now do I have this great desire to dance?

When I was in China, we had a dance one night. Out in the courtyard, in the heat, we taught our students the Macarena. How that night makes me smile. We danced to a lot of music I knew...including some classic Michael Jackson. And somewhere in the the middle of that, I found that love to dance again: to move, to feel the music, to forget myself.

I remember asking some of the members of my team why they weren't out dancing. "some of us are just not as uninhibited as others" Uninhibited! Wow, I never, ever thought that word would apply to me.

Fast forward to today. One of my favorite Christmas presents was Church Music by the David Crowder*Band. And I've been listening to it a lot. The song Church Music (dance!)

has shed some light on my feelings lately. It's my own brokenness that frees me of the pride that keeps me still. I want to be ready to let go of the "what will people think" mentality. I am broken inside, and I'm not going to pretend I have it all together on the outside. I'm just going to dance!

Present

2010-01-04T16:27:00.002-07:00

God has a new job for me. It's been echoing in my heart for months now.

Be present!

Be present in the moment you are in: don't keep checking your phone, don't compose your next status, don't look ahead to a new house or new job or new phase so much.

Be present in the lives of your family: Get off the computer often when they want to play. Focus on what they are saying. Give them eye contact, face time, and let them know that you are really there.

Be present with your friends: let them know you care about them with your words and your attention. Don't get distracted by the other things you need to do and forget to call them, spend time with them, and hear their hearts.

Be present with Me: immerse yourself in My Word, focus while you pray and while you sing worship songs, and don't spend so much time trying to "escape" the life and plans I have for you right now. Enjoy this moment I've given you; it's a present!

A real Christmas

2009-12-26T17:52:00.002-07:00

Well, Christmas is almost over. We celebrate with my dad and step-mom tomorrow. Then Christmas 2009 will be one for the books. But what kind of book would it be in? It won't be in the book about picture-perfect Christmases or the one about tragic Christmases. It won't be in the one of dysfunctional family Christmases or the one about idyllic Christmases full of great conversations. It was Christmas, it was nice....

I got some good gifts. My favorite was a scarf that my mom bought me that wasn't on my list. I didn't really give people many ideas for gifts...and I got almost everything I asked for. And I even got some money that I can give to Advent Conspiracy (late). I think I only have one thing I need to return.

My cooking had its highs and lows this year. The two types of treats I made did not turn out like I wanted. And I feel like I really didn't contribute to our extended family stuff enough. They don't ask much...but I hope that isn't because they don't really expect much from me. My dinner for our special little family went really well...even the peppery gravy that Alex liked.

But as I sat with Roger on the couch last night and cried--Cried about my own insecurities and struggles--I looked at my tree. And my tree defined this Christmas:

it's real

It's not fake...it's not "perfect" like people who like fake trees tend to think they are.(don't get me started!) It's got a few holes, it's not completely even, it wasn't grown at a tree farm where it was carefully tended by people....it's just right out of the forest real.

I had a real Christmas.

Famous

2009-12-12T11:27:00.008-07:00

There is this song "Famous One" by Chris Tomlin. And I admit I sing it, but I've always been troubled by it. (I spose I shouldn't sing it then, but I do.) So, why does this concept bother me? Because currently I see fame as shallow. Shallow and drawing attention to meaningless stuff. People that are famous might be talented or they might just look good. Or maybe neither...maybe their parents are just rich or talented. And when you are famous, people look for ways to make you look bad...which is really just normal a lot of the time...or else they try to make you look angelic...which is really just airbrushing.

And how does any of THAT apply to the God of the Universe?

People use Jesus name often...but they aren't really thinking of Him...they are swearing.

People try to make Jesus or his bride look bad....or angelic... Jesus is ultimate Good. We as his bride might look either on any given day.

God isn't shallow...He cares about the important things. He cares about who people really are.

God made meaningful stuff. Even the smallest thing he created has such amazing depth and beauty.

He is the definition* of famous: widely known; honored for achievement; excellent; first-rate

If only he were honored more!

*definition from Merriam Webster Online

I'm not 18

2009-11-23T13:53:00.002-07:00

I feel younger than I did 10 years ago. I feel more free to be myself and not to try to be perfect. I feel like I connect better with teens than I did when I was in my mid-twenties. I feel excited about who God made me to be even in the middle of being really broken and lost most times. So, this should be exciting.

But I'm not 18. I'm not 22. And somehow I need to convince myself of this. Because to joke about flirting with an 18 year old on facebook...completely in jest...is creepy to people. Yes, it's creepy. On my next birthday I'll be twice 18. And as much as my mind tells me I'm younger than I have been in years...I'm really 35. Is this a mid-life crisis? You realize you are older than you feel. And you are the only one who seems to see that your insides are much younger than your still not old, but not as young 35 year old outsides are?

I'm so glad I have a loving husband and a happy marriage or I can see this leading to all kinds of other creepy places. I'm thankful to feel young...and not be restrained by the uptight years I had in my mid-20s. I'm thankful that I am still excited to work with teens and that they even like hanging out with me. I'm thankful to not be a curmudgeon...and that God is scraping off the dross in my life. So, I'm 35...not 18...but don't tell my heart.

spatula

2009-11-06T15:02:00.002-07:00

With the help of some good friends who have listened to me and helped me process, I have let God scrape me off that brick wall and cradle me in His arms. Thanks to you friends for helping me see how much hope I have. And thanks God for helping me connect my feelings of failure from last year and this year. It makes sense now...how I've been feeling.

So right now, I'll try to relax. I don't have to decide what I want to be when I grow up...right now. I don't even have to decide how God is going to use me best. He will do that. I just need to be open and rescind my control over it all. (which is all in my own head anyway) Stop trying to plan everything and do what Jesus said...

Matthew 6:34 Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

who am i?

2009-10-23T19:54:00.004-06:00

I think I'm in the midst of a major period of uncertainty in my life. Who am I? What is my purpose? How am I supposed to go on after my adventure in China? And I haven't been entirely sane the past few months. I've expected too much of some people and haven't talked about what's going on inside with my best friends.

And the past few weeks, I've hit a brick wall. I've definitely been in a new place that doesn't feel right. How do you scrape yourself off the wall and keep going?

Class 8

2009-10-03T14:24:00.002-06:00

When I was in China, I had a terrific team of teachers to work with and great students. I was amazed at how God put together a great mix of people who I still miss.

My teachers: Suria, Jerry, Evie, and Mike

My TA: Bessie!

My students: Ivy, Gregory, Hilda, Summer, Edward, Tom, Sheila, Kate, Alan, Kevin, Shelly, Ann, Jordan, and Mark

Suria definitely knew her Mandarin, and she was always well prepared to teach. She shared from her heart. Jerry was our comic relief...keeping Mark and Jordan laughing. Evie used her kindness and her limited Mandarin to connect with students. Also the camp nurse, Evie also had lots of joy. Mike had all the girls' attention and a lot of enthusiasm to keep the teaching time light. And of course, I rounded out the group.

Our students did not have a high level of oral English, but as we worked with them, we saw some of their timidity fade and heard their voices. Even though I couldn't communicate with them very well at first, I saw their attachment to us grow. I ate with Sheila often. Ivy and Alan showed their leadership in group games. Ivy especially showed initiative in organizing the students for our field trip to McDonalds. Hilda was an amazing artist. Summer was so sweet...and made me such a special gift--a hundred or so oragami hearts is a special box. Ann won the singing contest that the camp had. All of them had fun as we taught them in non-traditional ways. I prayed for them often...that they might see God's love in us. I keep up with our students now...most of the girls anyway...on QQ which is a cross between IM and Facebook. And I'm connected with my teachers through facebook mainly too.

The time we spent together, sharing God's love and instilling confidence in our students was priceless.

just one week

2009-09-25T22:55:00.002-06:00

In just one week, sweet Teddy will be here....from China via South Dakota. I'm so excited I'm trying to plan too much. I need to go with the flow...like my college and high school friends. No need to over-plan like I have to do in my life right now. No need to get crazy frustrated with schedules and such. I will see Teddy...and the rest will just happen.

So many friends...so little time--The TAs

2009-08-30T23:19:00.003-06:00

In China we had so many amazing people to get to know: Quality people, people you just want to keep spending time with and laughing with. So, let me tell you about a few of my Chinese friends.

Sunny--sweet tempered, quiet, and loves Jesus. Sunny was a smiling face when I got to share my testimony at "youth group" in the Chinese church. She came to our TA Bible Study and shared her heart and challenges.

Coco--ordered me tea by the river one night...sweet believer and fun to be with. She came to TA Bible study too--it was great to hear her share. Her favorite color is Red. I especially enjoyed her and Bessie arguing about Chengdu food vs. ZiGong food and which was best. Long Chao Shou--capped off one of my most fun memories of the trip.

Fred--the man with the megaphone. Fred translated for me at "youth group", and I was so proud considering I talked about a miscarriage. He got it all across for me. He was our activities man...and I can still hear him yelling "Mr. Fox, Mr. Fox"

Kiko--her smiling face was so terrific to see and she had so much fun hanging with the girls. I especially remember sharing music together on the bus--looking for some songs we could both sing to Jesus.

Barbie--sweet friend who took me shopping when I was too tired to make any sense of money our first day in China. We hung out at the dinosaur museum and lots of other times too. Enjoyed eating at a Western restaurant in a private room just for our group--the Good Wood! Good times.

Teddy--she's a tool...no, really, she is so much fun! She reminded me that others of my friends had been where I was...in China loving students (and TAs). Teddy has such a warm, vibrant personality and her use of slang gives me so many smiles! Golden friendship! Since Teddy is in the States now for school, we got to talk about some of those important things a girl needs to know when she moves across the world. Praying I get to see her soon!

There were more TAs...and I got to know them here and there. I wish I had more to tell you about each of them...I'm sure I missed some special moments we shared. I love how God brings people into your life, and I pray that I see them again!

Bessie

2009-08-29T09:35:00.002-06:00

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know the main reason I went to China. I don't take that lightly because for many of my friends, it is not as clear. I went to China to tell Bessie that God loves her.

I love Bessie so much that I can't describe it. From the moment I knew she was going to be my teaching assistant, I just wanted to be with her. I'm not sure how to describe this...it was just instantaneous! Even the first night, as we walked together toward the Sichuan cultural center, I just wanted to be with her. Someone else spirited her away...and I still had a great time that night...but over the course of the next two weeks being with Bessie was my priority.

Bessie did not grow up with any belief system or religion. And as I learned from our camp director, believing in God is even more difficult for the Chinese than believing in Jesus...generally. But Bessie was interested. I didn't preach to her...but she did go to Bible study with me. I loved her! I loved her whenever I could. And she loved me. This connection was not just natural, but supernatural.

In the end, she said I was like an older sister to her. And there was no higher compliment for me. Just thinking that I may not get hold her hand again makes me cry. God made such an amazing special person in Bessie. I'm counting on HIM to make sure I get to hold her hand on the other side!

Things I learned or relearned in China

2009-08-18T19:35:00.000-06:00

God can bond you to someone instantaneously!
Sharing your story can touch hearts even across cultures.
Sometimes doing what you're "supposed to" isn't what you should do.
Being flexible is easier when you have friends with you!
God can still kick your rear-end even in the middle of a church service you do not understand.
Emotions happen; controlling what they lead to is important.
God uses people despite their faults, issues, frustrations and even their strengths.
God is willing to answer even the smallest prayers especially when He gets the glory.
Relax and be who you are; people will love you anyway.

God answers prayer...in funny ways sometimes

2009-08-17T18:36:00.003-06:00

Every morning in Zi Gong, a rooster started crowing about 4:30 am. Sometimes I could sleep through it, but most of the time, it woke me up for at least a few minutes. For a while I used this as a reminder to pray, but as time went on, and my lack of sleep increased I prayed,

Lord, please make that rooster my dinner!

We often had meat that could have been chicken (or duck or rabbit)
And a day or two later....no rooster. Hooray!

The next day, a dog started barking at 4:30 am.

*sigh*

I found myself in China

2009-08-12T18:29:00.002-06:00

Somewhere in the middle of being a stay-at-home mom, caring for my husband and children, and life happening, I lost a few pieces of myself. I thought maybe I was maturing, but what I found is that I had pushed down those pieces in order to focus on the life stage at hand.

Then I went to China.

And somewhere in Zi Gong, I found Melissa. She loves to laugh and hang out. She loves to work hard at relationships with students, believers and not. I found a person who doesn't worry as much about what people think---she sings songs to God aloud randomly at dinosaur museums, and she holds hands with a dear girlfriend without considering how that might get taken. She dances the macarena without wondering if she looks foolish because she doesn't care. She was going to have fun, and she could still care for people the way she always seems to...

And she's still broken with wrong motives and wrong attitudes sometimes. She desperately needs her Savior even more than she used to think. She is flexible, and even when she complains she jumps in to get it done. She gets jealous and worries still a little...but it was good to see her.

So the question becomes--what parts of her can translate from Mandarin to English? How can those parts be woven back into the life of mom and wife and homemaker? That's my question for God right now. What do I do now to be all of who He made me to be?

Heading out

2009-07-24T00:24:00.002-06:00

I'm heading out in a few hours. I'm in denial...I don't think it has hit me yet that I'm actually going to China. Wow!

One of the crazy things about being gone is that I am not often gone. I am a firm believer in being committed to things, so I'm rarely not the normal places. I go to church even when its not convenient. I wish I did that for the best reasons, but I think a lot of my reason is I hate to miss out.

This next few weeks I'll miss a pool party, Water World, Gramma day, 2:12, MNF and Tim's first Sunday as our new youth pastor, elevation, Colorado Day, marriage matters, and my husband's 20 year reunion. And I hate to miss stuff. I hate to not be there for the inside joke. I worry that I'll be gone and no one will notice. I'm afraid of being forgotten.

And as my friend said, "its only 17 days" And that's what I need to think. Its not that long...only 17 days.

Obviously what I miss will be made up for in obeying God and seeing Him use me in miraculous ways that are totally beyond me. I'm so very excited! But really, I'm still in denial.

the more tired I get...the more emotional...so I'm signing off for now! TTL

Relief

2009-06-29T14:55:00.003-06:00

God kicked my butt....gave me perspective and forgiveness and love. It was good to see Him answer quickly and in good time for me to resolve my differences with a friend. I love how He answers prayer when we call out for help.

Anger

2009-06-27T21:51:00.004-06:00

I don't feel that I am easily angered. Maybe my kids would say differently, but anger that lasts more than a couple of minutes is pretty foreign to me. So now that I'm feeling it, I am not sure how to deal with it.

Well, that's not exactly true, now is it? I know I need to forgive.

But the emotion, though it has subsided, is still strong enough to make me question how to deal with it.

I don't want to excuse it away. I don't want to say, "it's okay" and try to go on like it wasn't a big deal.

But really, was it a big deal? It feels like it but, in the grand scheme of things, probably not.

So, why don't I want to let go of my anger? I need to remember LarryBoy and the Angry Eyebrows....Bok Choy says that letting go of my anger will free me. I wonder if I could find that video and watch it tonight?

The road to forgiveness is a hard road. And how I handle it tomorrow is still something I have no vision for. I've planned my words many times, but none of my plans extend forgiveness. So, I have more praying to do...and *deep breath* I know God will help me say what needs to be said...no more and no less.

Reading in Heaven

2009-05-26T09:19:00.002-06:00

So, I've been reading "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn, and I'm finding it challenging to think about Heaven. I've always assumed that I can't imagine what its like, so I don't try. This book is a paradigm shift for me, so I've been pondering life and after life a lot.

I love to read. I could read for days...I read most of the day yesterday, and I love getting caught up in a story. So, in Heaven...the new heavens and new Earth...what will I read? I love fiction...but how would one write fiction without conflict. Stories tend to require some type of conflict..... man v man, man v nature, man v himself....but in a land without sin, where does one find this? There could be easily poetry there...and biography for we will have our memories of this Earth. But can a mind renewed and without sin conceive of stories with conflict?

Marketing works....

2009-05-23T09:53:00.002-06:00

So, I have a LOST widget on my page. And those people at ABC are smart....as the Lost season closes, they stuck an ad for another show on the widget. At first I was kind of irritated...this is my LOST widget...but their marketing worked. (The weird part is that this show isn't even on ABC...but it is made by ABC studios)

The show they were advertising was Legend of the Seeker, and the ad was like a 5 minute recap of the season. So, I started watching...and it filled my story void. I may not know how LOST will start next season, but now I have something else to watch.

Legend of the Seeker is based on some books by Terry Goodkind. And I'm already planning a trip to the library to pick up the first book. And I've watched 8 episodes so far this week. So, their little scheme worked. I'm hooked...but the season finale is tonight...so I won't catch up by then. If I had no children, I might try...but then, what would fill my story void?

Only 84 more days til Broncos football!

Depending on Christ

2009-05-19T12:00:00.002-06:00

As I plan to travel to China this summer, I know that I will be depending on Christ for every second.

I know this because it will be in the 90-100 degree range with 90% humidity. I'm a Colorado girl....I hate humidity. My husband has said he's glad he's not going because he remembers the first day of our honeymoon and how miserably I acted. I will be depending on Christ to NOT complain.

I know this because I will be away from my kids for 17 days. I have never been away from them for more than 2 days. They will be in capable hands--the grandmas and of course their wonderful dad. But the idea that I will not see them for that long will likely be the most difficult thing I've done as a mom.

And I'm laying it down in Jesus lap. I know He'll help me. And following Him is always worth it.

Dear blog

2009-05-19T11:55:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you lately. I know you used to enjoy such attention from me, but my new friend Facebook has stolen my affection to some degree. But really, we can all be friends.

I wish I were a writer. I love to write, but I don't do it enough. I am good at writing when I do it, but the drive is not there. This is not to say I won't continue to write. I will work harder to get my thoughts down here...not just in quick status updates.

I love connecting with people most of all....and Facebook just can't have the same depth that you have blog, dear. I'm hoping to be a deeper person, so here's to a summer with more posts.

10 years ago

2009-04-20T12:09:00.002-06:00

I was starting my second day as a blue badge at Microsoft. I'd been there for 10 months as a temp, but now I was finally a part of this amazing company. Loyalty was growing in me...but I was still torn. I had told them, "if I get a teaching job, then I'll be leaving". My dream was to teach High School English...and I was even willing....although scared...to teach middle school English. But for now, I was excited to officially be MS. We were on the 2nd floor, and I remember walking back into the office and seeing something strange on Trish's monitor.

And there it was....live video of a typical suburban high school within 10 miles of the office...in the school district I grew up in...fear, tragedy, pain...

I could be there.

Roger and I worked with teens at church, and Roger was interviewing for a job at DCHS that afternoon; I knew very well that I could be there... But I was here in corporate America. Wondering if I should be glad or sad to not be in the midst of those kids. As we met up with our students soon afterwards, it felt great to be with them as the processed, and we cried out to God together. Many came to Christ after Columbine...God used even the horrific to draw people to Himself.

I didn't go to the memorial service...which I regret now. But I prayed often for those kids and those families. And today, I'm praying for my neighbor--he was there that day--that somehow God would penetrate his raging atheism and give him true peace.

Party time, excellent!

2009-04-18T10:04:00.002-06:00

Its been a pretty full few months with birthday parties. We've had a miss a few because we have so many going on. Today we are braving the crazy April snow storm for yet another. After this though...it slows down for us until June/July for Mr. Alex.

I've become much more laid back on parties than before, but I did have a moment of stress today as I looked at all that needed to be done. I'm so blessed to have a family that chipped in to help when I get a little crazy. I guess I've realized that this is not life and death here...its a party. I've messed up each party...and I just need to realize, this side of heaven there is no perfect party.

Letting go of perfectionism is hard. Realizing I'm far from getting it right is more and more common, but maybe where I'm at in life is more aware of my failings...and more forgiving??? or maybe just more accepting of God's grace.

So, as we head into the last of Trina's 6 year parties...I know I'll enjoy it more than I did the first one!

Book Club--the continuing saga

2009-03-28T16:40:00.004-06:00

Evil Under the Sun--a good ole fashioned murder mystery. I didn't have it figured out ahead of time. The LOST tie is to Nikki and Paolo, so it wasn't hard to figure.

On the Road--OK...this one was a bunch of random road trips....the cool part was having part set in Denver using familiar places. I kept waiting to figure out the plot...but I never did. Some drugs, some sex, some roadtrips and an interesting friend who seemed to command attention. Dean Moriarty--an alias Ben on LOST uses---both go through a time when their command of everyone's attention is lost and no one really seems to need them anymore.

Stranger in a Strange Land--Strange is an understatment! After On the Road, I thought I was in for a nice straight forward Sci-fi. Little did I know...that a human raised on Mars could become a cult leader. I seriously don't see Jack on Lost becoming a cult leader...so i guess the title is the main connection to my show. At least I hope so....otherwise I'm expecting telekenisis to start cropping up as well as nudism. yikes

*sigh* Now I don't know what I'll read next...but whatever it is, it needs to be a little more normal.

Book Club update 2

2009-03-12T08:07:00.002-06:00

1) I skipped On the Road for now...since I didn't want to settle for the "more sexually explicit" that was on the cover. Yucky

2) I read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I liked the characters...in a weird sort of way. Rand puts SOOOOO much (the book was over 700 pages) of her philosophy in it that I admit I started skimming. She doesn't believe in God....and exalts man. :P Sorry, I don't subscribe to that. But the idea of someone being true to their ideals kept me reading.

3)After a break (so I could see my family ;) ) I picked up Are you There God, It's Me Margaret. I'm debating if I read this before. Some of it seemed familiar, but really....its about that awkward preteen stage....which doesn't bother me, but I wouldn't want my son reading. It is also about her search for God, which was sad to me. At least she didn't completely give up at the end.

4)I just finished Bad Twin last night. This is a true LOST book....it was written by an author who was on the plane they crashed on. It was a mystery. Which was interesting. It also had tons of LOST references in names, places, numbers and so on. It made me smile.

5) Next up some Agatha Christie. I haven't read her since a 6th grade slumber party when the girls wanted to watch the Shining. I'll take a scary book over a scary movie...I guess my imagination isn't as vivid as some peoples. Anyway, we'll see.

Birthdays

2009-02-25T09:35:00.002-07:00

I had a terrific birthday. And wow, although I'm sure I could think of more things we could have done, it turned out to be full---full of friends, full of family, full of food! I felt loved and cared for and important. I also felt a little selfish....*sigh* but in the end I wasn't birthdayzilla or anything.

As far as age goes, this one was not as easy as others have been. Moving to a new age bracket is a little daunting...but the thing I never really knew is that I'd feel the same....the same as when I was 25. Oh sure, I have a few grey hairs and my knee gets a little funny sometimes, but on the inside I feel the same. I wouldn't want anyone to think I'm 20....or even 29 as I joked with a birthday buddy. I don't mind saying that I'm 35...well, not too much.

So, I'm definitely not done with birthdays. I love them. I am happy to tell people it's my birthday, and even happier when other people mention it. In fact, I didn't even mind that my kids insisted that the Red Robin staff sing to me. Roger said I looked like a 6th grader with my eyes all lit up. It's nice to have a day that you can just say, "God, thanks for me"!

Books

2009-02-09T19:33:00.003-07:00

I love to read....and I read fast and hard. When I am enjoying a book, I find it difficult to concentrate on life. That is why I haven't read much in the last 5 years. My kids deserve to have a mother...not just an adult lounging on the sofa all day. If I had more self-control in this area, I would have continued to read a lot. But sadly, I can spend hours focused on a book while my kids run amok or generally feel my lack of emotional presence. Now, of course, I spend that time reading on the internet...but I digress.

In order to get myself back in to reading books, I decided to start reading books from the LOST book club. I'm pretty addicted to LOST, so I have a second layer of things to look for in my books to see why they are tied to my show. It helped me to head back into reading having a list to choose from...so I started my journey.

Book 1--Watership Down
This one took a little while for me to buy into it...despite the fact that I collected bunnies as a child. But as the story picked up, and as my investment in the characters increased, I found it a fun read.

Book 2--Slaughterhouse 5 (or the Children's Crusade)
As soon as I got to the 2nd chapter, I jumped right into this one because of the time travel elements that are pretty much the main driver on LOST right now. I can't say I recommend it, per se, but it was definitely interesting.

Book 3--Memoirs of a Geisha
This book captivated me. I got it around 5pm on Saturday night, and I finished it this morning at 10...add in that I was at church for 6 hours yesterday, and that's a fair amount of reading. I remember when this book was popular, or at least when the movie was, and I was hesitant because I wasn't sure how much sexual content there would be. Although there were a few scenes, it didn't seem gratuitous...or at least I can filter it out much easier than I can in a movie.

Book 4--On the Road
I haven't started this yet...I'm less concerned that it will be all consuming. But I do need to catch up on life since I ignored my family quite a bit this weekend.

So, here's my dilemma. There are two Stephen King books on the list. As of yet, the only King I've read is the short story they based Stand By Me on. But Darlton (the writers of LOST) have stated how much they love Stephen King and how influencial he is on the series. In some ways just that comment scares me because I love LOST. It has had some inexplicably interesting moments....some down right creepy. Those of you who know me, know what a scaredy cat I am. As I look for the other books on the list, I wonder....Could I handle The Stand or Carrie?

The Queen's Chair

2009-02-04T10:42:00.002-07:00

The queen's chair
a moss covered chair
where Queen Nature sits
with her long flowing hair
and the trees that stand guard
all about her throne
are wise and strong
and she shan't be alone.

Written in 6th grade at Windy Peak Outdoor Lab--outside of Bailey, Colorado

Can a 6th grader really use the word shan't?

Preview Update

2009-01-17T18:59:00.003-07:00

I just wanted to let you know...cause you were probably waiting with bated breath...

Alex and I had a good day together. We worked together, and we had some time to work on our own. It went well. Around 3pm, the little guy started bouncing....so obviously, we need to plan for outside time, but I think we'll be ok next year. :)

I also know that some of the things I'm foregoing this year...like Mops, Morning Bible Studies, and such will have to return...both for him to be around other kids as well as for me to be around more adults. This kindergarten year is interesting. I'm glad I'm doing it this way, but I'm also glad next year will be a whole new adventure.

Preview Day

2009-01-14T10:22:00.002-07:00

Well, today Trina has school all day...she has a field trip and is excited for her first ride on a school bus. She's there right now. I know she is having fun...as long as the walk isn't toooo long.

Today, Alex and I get to see what next year will look like. What is it like being just the two of us all day long? How will a boy who has had a sibling to entertain him from the beginning feel about being the only kid? And how will mom handle being the entertainer again?

So far, Alex turned down Hot Chocolate with dad to come home. He has a cold, so that's the only reason that makes any sense to me. His first desire....make banana bread with mom. No problem. Now he's exploring the toy box. So far so good...but it's only 10:25....we have until 4:45 til the rest of our family gets home.

Stay tuned to see how many things I'll have to schedule in our week next year just to keep my boy happy and occupied and learning and not driving me batty!

Friendly

2009-01-06T11:20:00.002-07:00

Last week, I was in the grocery store....without kids....at night.

First, I had a lady randomly start talking about food prices to me. No problem....I chatted a minute, and then we both moved on.

Then, a man approached me because we were both wearing a green jacket. He asked me about my Christmas and wanted to tell me about his. He is single...maybe in his 50s...and so right away I realized that this guy probably doesn't have a lot of folks to talk with. So, I prayed....Lord, help me to be friendly to this guy. I chatted with him a little...still guarded, but trying not to be rude. When he asked my name, I declined. I felt a little odd about it, but I told him I don't really give that out to folks I don't know. I was starting to feel like he wasn't realizing where its socially acceptable to draw the line with grocery store chatter...but soon he moved on.

I was on the last aisle, so as I headed to the register, I saw this guy in line. I decided that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, so I shopped a few more aisles...but finally I gave in. He was at the register and I was 2 people back. Since it was night, I decided in my head I'd ask the security guard to watch me walk out. This guy is probably harmless, but for whatever reason I decided I'd feel better this way.

As this guy walked to the door, he stopped and started talking to the security guard. When I was up at the register, he was still there talking to the security guard. OK, now what??? One of the managers was bagging my groceries, so I told him my dilemma, and he offered to walk me out. He said the guy was a regular, but wondered if he had said anything threatening. NO...no at all...he was just a little too friendly.

It's sad that someone being friendly...or obviously lonely...can make a girl nervous. I felt silly getting an escort, but I would still do the same thing. I pray that he finds some people who can reach out to him....but a girl by herself at the grocery store probably shouldn't be one of them.

It'll be fine in 2009...

2009-01-01T20:42:00.000-07:00

but I am shooting for higher than fine.

The kids' calendar

2008-12-24T08:48:00.002-07:00

Well, you'll be happy to know I passed on my love of the Broncos to my kids. They wanted a Broncos calendar over---Pixar, Winnie the Pooh, and Disney Princesses. Even over Peanuts...which is huge.

So, it is a fun calendar, but I had to doctor it. You see, they put it together QUITE a while ago. The January picture was of Travis Henry, of all players. Yeah, I don't really want to explain what a drug dealer is to my 3 year old, so I was glad it was the January picture....I cut it off, and we have twice the Cutler....January and December.

Even though its old....there is one benefit....one last look at John Lynch in a Broncos uniform. But I sure wish it had Eddie Royal or Peyton Hillis.

For the LOVE

2008-12-22T09:14:00.002-07:00

I love the Broncos! I have loved them since I was a kid. They are my team....and I'm a loyal fan. I watched when I was young....it may have started with dad, but we watched with mom after they split up. I've gone through seasons of just following the scores...maybe catching a game or two. For the last few years I've been following much more closely.

So, over the past year or so I've started to really care about the players. I'm not just talking about the QB and the star receiver, but a lot of these guys. I've actually found myself praying for them....ok...maybe I'm getting a little crazy. No, I'm not just praying for them to win....or even praying for them to play their best...but I'm praying for them to connect with God and have a relationship with Jesus.

I hate to say it, but with the playoffs on the line next Sunday, I'm wondering if my prayers have been effective in a way i hadn't expected. Has this adversity....this pressure....come as a result of one or more of these guys asking the tough questions? What does God want for me?

I know that God works all things together for those who love Him. And I also know I tend to want to affect the game even when I know I have nothing to do with it. Just ask my family which colors they won't be allowed to wear next Sunday.

But somehow, I've come to love these players...as a result of my love of this team. Now, for the LOVE....GO OUT AND WIN!!!!

Jammies!

2008-12-20T08:38:00.002-07:00

Well, we got the kids tucked in, and we got our own pajamas on. I got the Hot Chocolate ready, and Roger got the coordinates in the GPS, so we could find the houses marked by the Rocky Mountain News. Trina was still trying to settle in, so she wasn't even in bed....but by the time we got upstairs, 20 minutes after tuck-in, Alex was asleep. WHY doesn't he fall asleep that fast most nights???? Anyway, we picked them up and loaded them in the car. We put on a Christmas CD (we were going to listen to KOSI's Christmas music, but when we turned it on, it was that rotten WHAM Christmas song. I could go a lifetime without hearing that one again). So, off we went. All in all it went well. No Hot Chocolate spills....lots of lights....8 Nativity scenes....an hour and 15 minutes. Of course, Alex was ready to go home after the first 2 houses, but he wasn't grouchy about it and was asleep by the end. We had fun! I wonder if the kids will like it next year too.

Pajama Run!

2008-12-19T18:59:00.001-07:00

Well, we are trying a new thing tonight...possible tradition in the making. I sure hope it is fun. Stay Tuned!

Advise please...

2008-12-05T16:34:00.002-07:00

This week, a half quart of cooking oil spilled in my lazy susan. And so several things were sitting in the oil for several hours. Do you think I need to throw them out?

Examples....

Oatmeal, Cornmeal...they come in the cylindrical containers, and there is an oil line on them.
Biscuit Mix...I can't tell if there is a line.
Powdered Milk...this is covered in a paper as well as the cardboard box.

They don't look oily or anything. Will it mess up how they cook?

Instead of my usual Christmas tree rant...

2008-12-01T17:15:00.002-07:00

I'm posting an article for your enjoyment.

My reasons and Mr. Hay's are not the same, but I have to say I enjoyed the article. :)

Parades

2008-11-28T09:13:00.002-07:00

I love parades. Maybe I always have...maybe it got in my blood in high school when I marched in the color guard. I think it goes further back.... But watching them on TV is never the same kind of thrill. Take Macy's yesterday...I liked the dance numbers from Broadway, I could handle the singers lip-syncing, and I always get irritated that when it comes to the marching bands-- I rarely see the color guard because we have to watch the cheerleaders...come on! I wish a guard member with a pole and a silk would take a few of those cheerleaders out, so I could watch the part I really enjoy. But you know what the TV parades have on real live parades....

the cheesiest puns on the planet!

boy's logic

2008-11-27T09:59:00.003-07:00

While watching the parade entertainment, we saw a number from "White Christmas"...can you name it? I've got ___________ to keep me warm. For those that know the song...you know it's YOUR LOVE that fills the blank. My 3 year old said....MY COAT. He thought the idea of love keeping you warm didn't make any sense.

I can't stand it!

2008-11-19T10:17:00.002-07:00

Today, while Roger and I were on our date at Barnes and Noble, I stopped at a table with familiar characters...the Peanuts.

And there sat a Charlie Brown Christmas game. Every 3rd square on the game board said "Happy Holidays" and no where did it ever mention Christmas except in the title. There was also a box with a Charlie Brown Christmas tree that you could decorate along with other Peanuts Christmas stuff.

So, what's wrong with that?
A Charlie Brown Christmas is a lament about the commercialization of Christmas and a calling back to what Christmas is all about--JESUS!

Why don't the marketers actually WATCH the movie?????

I can't stand it....I just can't stand it!

Snow, I tell you, Snow

2008-11-14T08:59:00.002-07:00

Such joy in my household today! The snow isn't sticking to the sidewalks yet, but Christmas has already been mentioned, and they are ready to play outside. :)

Wet

2008-11-14T08:35:00.003-07:00

Yesterday, a small home project went awry....and I ended up wet. Roger is very knowledgeable, and I trust him to do home projects at our place. He methodically checked and rechecked everything. I would sit and watch under the sink, and he would slowly turn on the water. I'd pound if there was even a drip....and he'd head back up to tighten some more.

I was putting the kids to bed, so Roger wouldn't be up all night working on the project. I went to put on my pajamas...and I said to myself, "If I put these on, I'll end up wet." I blew it off...and headed downstairs ready for relaxation time and bed.

Well, on my way down, I heard some words from Roger that I rarely hear. And I knew right away that I needed to turn off the water downstairs...but I had never paid attention to how to do that. So, instead, I got to kneel under the sink and be the boy in Hans Brinker....only instead of a hole in the dike, I was plugging the hot water valve with my finger as Roger ran down to turn it off. It was just a small oversight on his part, and he had it all fixed quickly, but we did have water all over the kitchen floor and seeping down into the basement.

So, I got to clean up the water in the basement, thanking God that I had put our Christmas decorations in plastic tubs, and this morning it's dry, and my biggest concern is if R2D2 (our 3D 18 inch high puzzle) made it.

No home project ever goes as planned, but I'm so thankful for my husband who fixes each problem at home with his logic and intelligence. Knowing how hard he works for us makes me not really mind being a little wet.

ZZZZ

2008-11-06T10:51:00.002-07:00

We were talking about hibernation today...reviewing what Trina was learning at school this week. So, I asked her some questions.

What kind of animals hibernate?

T--A ladybug

REALLY, I never knew that. What else

T--A bear

Do humans hibernate?

T--NOOOOOO! Well, maybe Dad!

Quotable Quotes

2008-11-01T18:53:00.002-06:00

Roger has all these cool quotations that he has collected, and I wish I did. I'm sure I've read thousands of books and watched thousands of movies, but I don't have any quotations written down. Hmmm.

What's your favorite quotation?